Trials of the Sorting Hat
by MnemeMemory
Summary: Oneshot! Dumbledore and Jeb are apparently old buddies. As a favor, Dumbledore agrees to accept the Flock into Hogwarts. However - they still have to be Sorted! Watch as the Sorting Hat struggles to accept these crazed minds! (or: The Flock comes to Hogwarts)


**Disclaimer**: I own neither Harry Potter nor Maximum Ride.

**Warnings**: OOC-ness, for sure. Mentions of drugs, like, once. I don't think there's any swearing…

**Notes**: okay, I guess I should warn you that I'm not the hugest fan of the Maximum Ride series. I liked the first book well enough, and I adored the concept, but after a while the plot got messy and I found I liked the characters less and less (which is why I won't be including Dillon). I'm doing this because my little brother begged (read: annoyed) me until I did. (ARE YOU HAPPY NOW, YOU ANNOYING BRAT?!). Because of this, I haven't actually read the last few books (I think) and have no idea what's happened _recently_ in the series.

Oh, yeah, can be read as part of the "Woes of the Sorting Hat" series, or as just a oneshot.

Still, I hope it lives up to expectations. Enjoy!

It was the time of year that the Sorting Hat had come to both rejoice and loathe in equal measures; the First Day of School.

Now, the Hat didn't mind Sorting children into their respective Houses. In fact, it got a certain satisfaction watching those small children go to the Houses that would mould them into bright and beautiful futures. The Hat was responsible for giving these children the best possible start at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry.

But over the past few years, the Headmaster Dumbledore had started an alarming trend. _Transfers_ – the bane of the Sorting Hat's existence.

Not that they weren't pleasant – in fact, the majority of them had been nothing but polite to the Sorting Hat. What worried the Hat was what came _after – _the pigeons, the glitter, the banishment, the _burns_…

Still, it wasn't like these new transfers could be any worse than _last year's_. The Giant Squid had almost drowned half the school, trying to get into the Great Hall to see the fabled Son of Poseidon (and ask for some more spicy tuna rolls). The whole incident had revealed how the Muggle Studies Teacher had been severely over-feeding the poor thing, which had led to her being fired and the Squid being put on a diet. Thanks to that, _this_ year it had attempted to hold a few of the First Years for ransom (and the spicy tuna rolls at this school weren't even that _good_…).

So, no, there was _no way_ these new bird-kids (or whatever the Headmaster Dumbledore called them) could be worse than five destruction-prone demigods.

The Hat had an uncomfortable feeling that it had just jinxed itself.

"And may I introduce the Flock!" Headmaster Dumbledore said grandly. "I've taken them in for the school year as a favour to my old friend, Jeb, on account of that they've been kicked out of every other school that he's tried so far."

Oh, yeah – definitely jinxed.

Six kids – varying widely in ages – strode into the Great Hall. They all looked a bit put out at the suspicious stares they were getting (four years of transfers had not left the student population unscathed).

"First up for the Sorting, we have the leader of the Flock – Maximum Ride!"

A tall girl with short blond hair and a dazzling smile swaggered over to the Hat and sat down on the stool.

_You seem troubled, Miss Ride_, the Hat said.

The poor girl fairly jumped out of her skin.

"A talking hat," she muttered softly. "Man, a talking _hat_. And I thought this magic mojo was whacked up."

_And you've seen a lot of strange things in your life._

"You bet."

_Your mind is truly fascinating. And…not human_.

"Avian American, Maximum Ride – at you service," Max said proudly.

_Can you really fly_?

"You betcha." Max smirked. "Maybe I'll take you out for a spin, sometime."

_I don't think so. The only other place I've been to besides the Headmaster's Office and the Great Hall wasn't…pleasant…_the Hat shuddered.

"O-kay. Not sure I want to know that story." Max paused. "I don't suppose you could put all of us in one House, would ya?"

_I'm sorry, but the system doesn't work that way_, the Hat said.

"I mean, we've never really been, ya know, _separated_ for any real length of time. Sorta like co-dependency."

_I understand, but I don't work like that. _

Max scowled. "Whatever."

_You don't seem too pleased to be here_.

"We don't need school. We've been doing fine on our own."

_The Headmaster's friend obviously doesn't see it that way_, the Hat said.

"Because Jeb's a know-it-all who doesn't know when to stick his nose _out_ of our business," Max fairly snapped. "As soon as I can, I'm persuading the rest of us to _go_. We don't belong here."

_That is not for you to choose._

"Why not?" Max snapped. "I've been choosing for years. I'm perfectly capable of taking care of my kids."

_I don't doubt that_.

"Everyone else does," Max fisted her hands. "They think that because I look like a kid that I am one. Even my _own_ kids think so."

_I think that you have done a wonderful job so far, _the Hat assured her. _Give Hogwarts a chance. You might end up liking it_.

"Maybe," Max's voice came out in a sceptical snort.

_Now, on to your Sorting. You seem to have a strong connection to your family – you've almost died, time and time again, to keep them safe._

"Duh. Of course," Max cracked a small smile. "They're ungrateful brats, but I love 'em anyway."

_Your loyalty to them is impressive – especially with what happened with Angel and everything._

"Look, I don't appreciate snoops any more than I appreciate shrinks," Max snapped. "Sort me or face my wrath."

_Hufflepuff would do you well_.

"Oh, no," Max shook her head vigorously (nearly dislodging the poor Hat). "I've got to a reputation to uphold. The Hufflepuff's seem like sweet kids and all, but – no _way_ am I going to be in a House that sounds like a pastry in a bakery!"

_I…see…_ though, in truth, the Hat really didn't.

"Put me somewhere that sounds cool," Max urged. "So I don't have to hit my brothers when they comment – which, if I know them, they inevitably will."

_Then I know exactly where to put you_, the Hat said (if it could have, it would have smiled).

"And where's that?" Max asked, eyes narrowing suspiciously.

_Where I think you belong. Welcome, Maximum Ride, to _"GRYFFINDOR!"

Max hopped off the stool, put the Hat down, and went over to her new House.

"And next to be Sorted in the Flock is Fang," the Headmaster intoned.

The tallest boy in the group, with dark hair and strangely pale skin strode forward and grabbed the Hat.

_Hello_, the Hat said cautiously, unsure of what kind of crazed mind it would find underneath the strange exterior.

"A talking hat. Great," Fang rolled his eyes. "Like my life couldn't get _any_ weirder."

_Why is it that most people are surprised when confronted by me_? The Hat mused.

"Dude, you're a _talking hat_," Fang muttered. "And I'm in a magic school. This has got to be the _weirdest_ acid trip ever."

_Of course, you don't believe that_.

"Oh, no. Max'd kill me if I did drugs." Fang sighed. "Okay, okay, can we get this over with? The whole 'mind speaking thing' reminds me too much of Angel." There was a pause. "_Sorry Angel_!"

The Hat could almost hear the little girl's mental snort of derision.

_Your loyalty to your family is impressive – though I believe that you would not survive well in Hufflepuff. Your ambitions are a core part of what you are_.

"My ambitions?"

_To make the world a safer place for your family. To make sure that Max is happy_, the Hat said. _Considering everything, that's _certainly_ ambitious_.

"She's not that bad!" Fang insisted.

_Of course not. I'm saying that she's only happy when she's taking care of everyone – and that means that you aim to take care of everyone. Her goals I life are ambitious – though she herself would not fit well into Slytherin, the House of Ambition – and that means that _your_ goals in life are ambitious._

"I…guess…" Fang shrugged.

_You are quiet and intelligent. You know what you want and you know how to get it – for the most part_.

"What's that supposed to mean?"

_Nothing. I think that Slytherin is the perfect place for you – you always have a backup plan; you probably are the strategist of the Flock_.

"Thanks." Fang smiled – just barely, but it was a real smile.

_Good. Welcome to _"SLYTHERIN!"

Fang stood and silently slipped away from the Hat. There was a brief moment of confusion when everyone lost sight of him (despite not actually looking away from him) until he mysteriously appeared at the far end of the Slytherin table just seconds later.

_A good fit. _The Hat decided.

"Iggy!" Headmaster called out.

A blond walked slowly forward, putting one foot carefully in front of the other. The Hat was briefly surprised as his tentativeness.

The Headmaster took one of the boy's arms and helped him to sit down at the stool, than placed the Hat gently on his head.

_You're blind!_ The Hat was so surprised that it momentarily forgot its basic manners (that had been _drilled_ into it by Helga Hufflepuff during its first years of life).

"No kidding," Iggy said dryly.

_I'm sorry!_ The Hat said immediately, mentally wincing.

"No problem. I get that a lot," Iggy said. "Can we get this over with?"

_Of course_, the Hat said quickly, eager to put the whole thing behind it.

The Hat did a quick scan of the mind, mentally checking off on its list.

_You can feel…colours?_ The Hat asked wonderingly.

"Of course I can," there was a small smirk in Iggy's voice. "Can't you?"

_Ha, ha_, the Hat said flatly, embarrassed. _Your bravery of going out into the world where you can't see is commendable – but Gryffindor is not for you. Your intelligence, is – by far – your most defining characteristic. _

"What do you mean by that?"

_You learnt to cook without being able to see anything. You learnt to build _bombs_ with your brother without being able to see anything. Your intelligence and your persistence are incredible_.

"Thanks," Iggy said, a small half-smile on his face.

_Which is why I've decided on the House of Eagles_, the Hat continued gravely. _I think that there, your intelligence will be pushed to its limits. I think that you will _thrive_ around others as intellectually sound as you are_.

"That's good to know," Iggy smiled properly, this time. A full-blown grin.

_Good. Welcome to_ "RAVENCLAW!"

Iggy stood up and put the Hat down, then hesitated. He still had only been up those stairs once – that wasn't enough to memorise where things were.

One of the Ravenclaw prefects immediately saw that something was wrong, and jumped out of her chair to guide him over to the table.

"Thank you for that, Miss Clearwater. And now, may I introduce Gazzy?"

Polite clapping ensured, and the Hat braced itself.

Sure enough, a small kid whizzed over to the Hat and jammed it tightly onto his head.

"Can you really hear my thoughts?" Gazzy said with a wide smile. "That is _so cool_," he added before the Hat could respond.

_Thank you_, the Hat said dryly.

"I know, right?" subtleties were obviously not this one's strong point.

_Enthusiastic, good sense of humour, prankster, _the Hat mused as he flipped through Gazzy's mind as though flipping a scrapbook. _Annoying brat_…

"Hey!"

_Did I say that out loud?_ _Oops_, the Hat said unconvincingly. This one was going to be T-R-O-U-B-L-E.

"Whatever," Gazzy muttered, already planning the Hat's downfall. Maybe a few stink bombs in the Headmaster's office…

_I can hear everything you think you know_, the Hat felt compelled to point out.

"That just makes it more interesting!" Gazzy grinned evilly. "The anticipation is going to kill you! And right when you don't know it, I'll be there…waiting with my lovely stink bomb…"

_God help us all if I put you in Slytherin_, the Hat said with feeling. _No, I don't think I could do that. Not to this school. I can't leave, after all_.

"Put me with my brother!" Gazzy suggested. "Ravenclaw, right? Put me with Iggy!"

_No_.

"Why not?" Gazzy narrowed his eyes angrily.

_Because I like the school standing, thanks. I don't think that would be the case should I put two pyromaniacs in the same House_.

"We are not pyromaniacs!" Gazzy said, outraged.

_No, of course not_. The Hat would have rolled its eyes, if it had been able to. _You just like explosions_.

"Exactly!"

_No! Not Ravenclaw, not Slytherin…Hufflepuff would do you well…_

"That sounds to wimpy!"

_You know, you're the second person to insult one of my favourite Houses today_.

"Max?" Gazzy guessed. "Who am I kidding? Of _course_ it was Max. I can't see Fang or Iggy doing something like that…of course; I can't see Fang in a House called _Hufflepuff_ at all…"

The Hat started to develop a twitch in its leather.

_I can't take this much longer_, it thought desperately. "GRYFFINDOR!" _and may god help us with this one…_

Gazzy paused mid-rant and stared up at the Hat with an open mouth. Obviously, he didn't quite understand that he had just been Sorted – which mean that he _had to go away from the Hat_ an sit down at his table.

"Oy! Gasman!" Max barked from her table. "Get over here!"

A huge grin overcame Gazzy's face, and he jumped off the stool towards the Gryffindor table (while the Hat started shouting to _take him back!_).

After a brief scramble (and a lot of shouting on Max's part) Gazzy deposited the Hat back with the Headmaster and went to sit proudly next to his older sister/mother figure.

"Well, that was eventful," the Headmaster said with a wide smile. "Next up, we have…Tiffany-Krystal?"

"Call me Nudge!" she yelled cheerfully.

A tall girl with brown hair and mocha coloured skin fairly _bounced _her way over to the Hat, jamming it onto her head without so much as a "How do you do?"

_Well, hello there_, the Hat started…

"Oh my gosh! Talking hat! Do you know how _cool_ that is? Jeb never said anything about a talking hat!"

_I see…_

"He only said that we were going to go to a magic school and how we were all going to learn magic! We didn't even _know_ that magic existed!"

_Please, listen…_

"Yeah, yeah, we have wings and all, but that doesn't count as magic! That's all science-y stuff that doesn't really allow for magic, y'know? Max was _really mad_ at Jeb for keeping this a secret for so long. Though, I guess she's more mad that he just sorta showed up out of the blue, without so much as a "Howdy", and told us to pack."

_That's nice…_

"It was actually pretty rude. Iggy's _really upset_ about having to leave Ella – that's Max's half-sister – how crazy it that? I can't believe Max has a half-sister! She – Max – saved her from a bunch of creeps with guns and then they went back to Dr Martinez's house and they had ice cream and cake!"

_Um…_the Hat said, now completely lost. Now it knew why Max has referred to her little sister as "Motor mouth".

"At least, I _think_ there was ice cream. Max never really told me the details. She was too freaked out by all the Erasers that were coming at us, and by the time we finally got off their trail no one really remembered the specifics! Do you know how annoying that is? No one _ever_ remembers to tell me the specifics!"

_This is getting ridiculous_, the Hat thought privately – thought it suspected it could have broadcasted the thought to this chaotic mind and it wouldn't have made a scrap of difference to the conversation trend.

"Specifics are the keys to life! Especially in relationships! I mean, if Fang would just get over his ten-food tall pride and just _ask Max out_ – because she's _totally_ been sending him the signals to indicate that she's interested – but _no_, he's always to stubborn! The sexual tension is killing me!"

The Hat choked slightly. Thanks to the years spent delving around the mind of eleven-year-olds, it had safely avoided the subject of sex for the past few hundred years.

"…and then Gazzy just _blew up_ in the middle him almost asking her out!" Nudge ranted. "I mean, _come on_, who _does_ that sort of thing? I swear, he was doing it intentionally or whatever. I've been waiting for _years_ for this moment, and then he goes and gasses out the whole house! We had to _evacuate_ the whole street because the house became too flammable!"

The Hat made a hasty decision. "GRYFFINDOR!"

Nudge blinked once, apparently stunned to silence, and the Hat let out a long sigh of relief. _Silence_ was such a wonderful word…

"Why did you put me in Gryffindor? Is it because I'm super brave? Max is more the brave one. Awh, I'm with Gasman? Why did you do that? At least I'm with Max! Thanks, Hat!"

_Just GO!_

Nudge beamed up at it and gently placed it onto its stool. With a jaunty wave, she skipped over to sit by her siblings.

_I haven't been this stressed since Magnus Bane_…*the Hat sighed mournfully.

"And last, but certainly not least…Angel!"

A tall girl who couldn't have been more than eleven walked calmly up to the Hat, clutching a stuffed white bear dressed as an angel. She ignored the general sigh of "_awh, how cute!"_ and sat primly down on the stool, waiting daintily for the Hat to be placed on her head.

_Good evening_, she said, projecting her thoughts towards the Hat.

It wasn't surprised. It had already gathered her telepathic abilities from the rest of her family.

_You as well_, it replied calmly. _And how are you_?

_I am well_. "I think I'll talk out loud a bit, though, just so we don't have any miscommunication."

_As you wish_. Her mind was not normal. It was even more alien than the rest of the Flock's; it was all hard edges and diamond strength, so sharp that the Hat felt as though it would be cut if it delved too deeply.

_You are not normal_, it said.

"Of course not. None of us are." Angel said primly.

_You more than most_, it wanted to say, but it kept the thought to itself. Despite its harshness, the Hat felt the underlying fragility that ran through Angel's mind. The diamond hard-exterior protected an incredibly unstable mind.

_You are ambitious. You want to lead the Flock_.

"Max is doing a great job and all," Angel started slowly. "But I think I could do better. It's nothing personal – she just spends way too much time obsessing over Fang."

_Don't you want them together_?

"I want my family to be happy," Angel said sharply. "If I were in charge, Max could spend as much time as she wanted with Fang, and she wouldn't have to worry about any of us. It's all about what I can do to make everything easier for everyone else."

_Are you sure you know what you're getting into_?

"Of course I do. I've been riding around in their minds for years. I have what it takes to make things to smoothly."

_They don't know that they're being watched_, the Hat said sharply.

"And they won't ever know," Angel said back with equal abrasiveness. "It's just research. How else am I going to know what's going on? No one ever tells me_ anything_."

_Maybe they'd tell you more if you didn't appear to know everything_, the Hat suggested.

Angel shrugged, a dainty jerk of her shoulders. "What's one is done. I assume you'll put me with most of my family?"

_You do not belong in Gryffindor_, the Hat said.

Angel frowned. "I think that I do. I'm brave and loyal and hardworking…"

_Loyal enough to overthrow the person who has cared for you for most of your life?_

"I want her to be happy."

_Of course. Indeed, you are brave and hardworking. You possess above-average intelligence and powers that boggle my mind._

"Good, so…"

_That does not mean you belong in Gryffindor_.

"What?" Angel scowled.

_Your ambitions outweigh your loyalty. You put yourself before everyone else. That is not wrong – that is merely different than what is usually accepted. _

"But I want to be in Gryffindor!" Angel snapped. "I want to be with my family!"

_I know, but I will not Sort you into a House you are entirely unsuited for. Ravenclaw would be a better fit, if anything_.

"I _want_ to be in Gryffindor," Angel repeated, voice dangerous.

_Be as it may, I think that you would belong in either Slytherin or Ravenclaw. Would you like to choose?_

"_Gryffindor_!" Angel insisted.

_Very well. If you will not decide, I shall do so for you_. The Hat opened its mouth to shout "SLYTHERIN!"…but nothing happened.

_What's going on_? it demanded, feeling the first tendril of unease.

"I told you to put me in Gryffindor. You wouldn't listen. So I suppose I'm going to have to put_ myself_ there, instead."

_What_? The Hat started to say, but already it could feel the first spider-webs of power sinking into its mind. Angel opened her mouth – and the Hat copied her – and together they shouted:

"GRYFFINDOR!"

When Angel left the Hat, it shuddered and curled up tighter in its leather cocoon, mute. There was something wrong with that child. This year was not going to end well.

Oh, well. At least it would be safe, locked up in the Headmaster's office…

_Le fin._

*Woes of the Sorting Hat (first ff). Shameless self-promotion. I'd be forever grateful if you read it!

**Author's Note**: hello once again! I hope that you enjoyed that! I'm thinking of expanding a few of my favourite onshots, so if anyone has any helpful ideas I'd be really grateful. Tell me which ones I should be expanding on first! That doesn't mean that's going to interrupt my new ones:

Next Year – Mobile Suit Gundam SEED! (ah, I love that series…).

Please review if you liked it!


End file.
